Ricky Gervais writes Oscars monologue for Hathaway and Franco
credit: Bob D'Amico / ABC
Just because Ricky Gervais wrote a brilliant opening monologue for Anne Hathaway and James Franco does not mean that they are going to use it. Probably because he wasn't asked to write it for them. He wrote it on his blog.
Here are some of my favorite excerpts:
JF Thank you. I'm James Franco. AH ...and I'm Anne Hathaway. JF You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him. AH And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too. JF It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.
JF Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way. (Nodding and smiling) That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity. (Murmurs of agreement) Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny." AH Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood? JF It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.
Anyway let's get this show on the road.
There were some great kids' movies this year.
I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.
Did you enjoy it?
No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..."
To read the full monologue, take the jump over to Ricky's blog.